How (Not) To Pick A Poem For Your Valentine

But soft! What light through yonder window breaks

It’s too early, babe, shut the shades.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

I’m hot, you’re sweaty—are you sure you want to go there?

How do I love thee let me count the ways—

Ok, but don’t leave any out—I’ll be mad if you don’t list the right ones…

When you are old and grey and full of sleep…

Is this about the curtain thing? I was working late last night, otherwise…Wait! are you saying my roots are showing? I just had them done.

A queen from some time dead Egyptian night/Walks once again.

Are you really comparing me to a zombie?

We loved with a love that was more than love—

Doesn’t she die in the next verse?

And all that’s best of dark and bright/Meet in her aspect and her eye…

Didn’t his relationships usually end “in sorrow and tears”?

Come. And be my baby.

Sorry babe, you’re “going nowhere”.

My luve is like a red, red rose…

After I prick you with my thorn your blood will be like a red, red rose.

I love your lips when they’re wet with wine—

Are you trying to get me drunk?

Oh then, each breath tasted sweeter—

That’s probably the wine again.

Come live with me and be my love…

You’ll need to make a deal with the devil.

The beauty of the heart/Is the lasting beauty—

So you think I’m ugly on the outside.

When the rain is blowing in your face/and the whole world is on your case/I could offer you a warm embrace…

You had better offer me a lot more than that. An embrace ain’t gonna solve my problems.

Upon what instrument are we two spanned?

I don’t know, with all this poetry, the rack, maybe?

OK, I give up. What would you have me do?

Blow out the lights and come to bed at last.

Happy Valentine’s day (with apologies to to all the poets referenced here. Click through the hyperlinks to read the original poems.

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